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We're
Rich, You're Dead! ™
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LICENSED TO KILL BUSINESS REPORT As presented by CEO Rich Fromdeth & Senior VP of Corporate Communications "Core" Prutspin at L2K's 2004 Annual Meeting of Stockholders We would like to begin by first reiterating our company's purpose, which is: to manufacture and market tobacco products in a way that each year kills over 400,000 Americans and 4.5 million other people worldwide. The
company got off to a rocky start last year, when a bunch of annoying
teenagers held a demonstration in front of Virginia's state capitol
to denounce the state's incorporation of Licensed to Kill. Soon after, Licensed to Kill received a letter from Virginia's Assistant Attorney General asking the company to clarify what its business is about. The Assistant Attorney General noted that, "while the State Corporation Commission is not tasked with policing the intent of a corporation, this office is concerned with the safety and welfare of the citizens of the Commonwealth. Certainly it would be inadvisable for your corporation to engage in unlawful conduct in Virginia." View full letter Licensed to Kill sent a response to the Assistant Attorney General, asking whether she had "sent similar letters to the directors of other tobacco companies that are already killing thousands of Virginians each year? Or, may I assume that your concern with respect to Licensed to Kill will disappear if our company decides to manufacture and market tobacco products in the same manner as those other companies?" The company received no response. The
great thing about a limited liability corporation such as our
own is that the owners of the company (stockholders) cannot be
held legally responsible for the damage caused by the company.
If you own a lemonade stand and your lemonade makes a bunch of
people sick, you can be held legally liable for the damages you
cause to them. However,
if you incorporate the lemonade stand, then the corporate law
says you (as owner and stockholder) cannot be held liable.
This allows you, our wonderful stockholders, to focus on the money
we are making you (not the "wellbeing" of our company's
loyal, er addicted, wheezing, cancer ridden customers!) Yes,
we may have gotten off to a rocky start, but luckily those in
the business world were quicker to recognize the legitimacy of
our company. Soon after we were incorporated, we began receiving
free
copies of the Wall Street Journal -- apparently a special
perk for Virginia corporations! We
also got a letter
from the Virginia Department of Business Assistance (DBA) with
the headline "Virginia is Open for Business." "Whether
you are a new business or just new to Virginia, there is an important
resource to help your business...and it is free. The Virginia
Department of Business Assistance (DBA) is the state's economic
development agency devoted to the growth and success of the Commonwealth's
existing business..." And
we began receiving numerous applications for business credit cards, American
Express even offered us a $75 annual fee waiver. Not a bad
deal in the state of Virginia. With that amount of money, we could
incorporate another company! (Note: $75 was the amount paid to
incorporate Licensed to Kill) We
also received an
application form from MEGA Life and Health Insurance (perhaps
not the best business move on their part). ...as
well as subscription appeals for various magazines, such as: Harvard
Business Review, Business
Week A
company in China that manufactures cigarette lighters even
contacted Most of our time this year has been spent raising awareness of our deadly brands, such as: Global
Massacre - "Millions Sold, Millions Dead" Licensed
to Kill - our namesake brand CHAIN
- "Smoke CHAIN and become a CHAIN smoker!" One of our newest brands, for the African-American market segment, was launched on Goree Island in Senegal earlier this year: SLAVE
- "You used to Pick It, Now you Smoke It!" L2K's
Senior VP of Global Marketing Virginia Slime strikes a pose at
the launch L2K's
Managing Dtr for Francophone Africa, Rich Grassalamort at the
infamous "Door of No Return" One
of the most exciting and potentially lucrative business developments
for Licensed to Kill this past year was its expansion into Nigeria,
Africa's most populous country. In February, our company held
a
well -attended press conference at the National Press Centre in
Lagos. At
the press conference, we launched a public relations campaign
called "Proudly Killing Nigerians," and a
new cigarette brand "weak organ."
Our marketing department will now unveil to you two of our favorite television ads for our products:
* FOOD * While we started out solely focused on tobacco products, we have decided to take a clue from one of our main competitors and dabble a bit in the food sector, e.g. ImBalance Bars, GOREO Cookies, sTang Drink, HoneyTomb Cereal, and ADENOID Mints.
We
admit that our industry is inherently irresponsible, but hey,
the state of Virginia sanctioned our killing up to 5 million people
worldwide annually, so we can't be all that bad! Nevertheless,
a little positive PR never hurts. That's why we've become one
of the primary benefactors of Forlorn
Faces orphanage. As we like to say "We
don't just build the orphanage...we fill it too!"
This
past year we have also worked
hard through third party agents to get more of our products in
Hollywood movies. Our industry’s efforts seem to be paying
off. Film stars smoke in a majority of youth-rated movies!
Licensed
to Kill recognizes the value of face-to-face lobbying. In August
2003, several L2K execs attended the 12th World Conference on
Tobacco or Health, along with a number of British American Tobacco
employees. Photos 1,
2,
3 And
in Boston 2003, we hit the National Conference on Tobacco or Health
in Boston, our
Licensed to Kill cigarette pack mascot in tow. Unfortunately,
the
security guards tried to violate our corporate right to free speech
and nearly succeeded in kicking us out! But our most important lethal lobbying took place at two separate international trade negotiations... In
September 2003, our Senior VP of Corporate Communications attended
the World Trade Organization Negotiations in Cancun, Mexico, where
she lobbied country delegates to put trade over health. Photos
1,
2 Lastly, our company believes that in addition to fighting those who seek to hurt our business, it is important to recognize those who do our industry favors, such as Utne Reader, which earlier this year decided to reverse its long policy against accepting tobacco advertising. In a letter to the magazine, our CEO wrote: "For many years, your magazine has shamefully denied tobacco companies like ours our constitutional right to free speech. Perhaps it is these patriotic times that have inspired you to champion the true "American Spirit," the freedom to advertise, hoodwink, and even kill in the name of the Almighty Buck..." Regrettably, so many of those annoying youth tobacco control advocates wrote the magazine that it decided to switch back to its old, misguided "no tobacco ads" policy. |
Website disclaimer: Licensed to Kill, Inc stands by the veracity, but not the morality
of the contents of www.licensedtokill.biz, as well as the behavior of our company and its public statements.